I’ve recently been working on what Brené Brown calls “an attitude of gratitude” – making time each day to be thankful for the people around you, for the life you have been able to cultivate with the help of others.

No-one flourishes without connecting to others, and no-one joyful does it alone. Pay no mind to the faux motivational instagram posts, the political rhetoric, or indeed the rappers – in fact, a Drake track about him doing “it all by myself” has 3 other lyricists credited (not to mention producers, the owners of the studio it was recorded, the people who helped shoot the album cover… do you see where I’m going with this!).

However, while trying to find words to express to my loved ones how thankful I am for their support, humour and presence, I stumbled across something rather dismaying about the English language, which would certainly account for some of the negative connotations around asking for help, or even wanting to in the first place.

The majority of synonyms for the word “gratitude” or phrases around thanks contain an imbalance of power, or an insinuation that you now owe the person who has chosen to help you.

“Indebted”

“Obliged”

“Beholden”

“I owe you one”

“How can I ever repay you?”

Even words like “credit” are connected most often to monetary value, a debt that must be repaid. Sometimes when offered help, people resent being thought of as a “charity case”, (which has so many problematic connotations I would need a seperate post just to unpack it).

Amongst those I have spoken with in my practice, I hear a lot of fear around asking for help, some people practically recoiling from the idea of being a “burden”, that any “favour” is too much to request, that needing others is a sign of personal weakness, that if you were good enough or strong enough you wouldn’t have to ask for help. And while perhaps it is technically possible to survive while trying not to rely on anyone, I don’t believe any relationship can be equal and satisfying if one party is always wary of becoming indebted. While making an effort to have balance in relationships is important, there must be no score card, and if there is then perhaps there needs to be some light shed on why that is.

If you feel like you can give out help yet not want receive it, do you know why that is?

Or perhaps you find yourself lending too much of your energy and feel resentment when it is not “paid back”? 

We are innately social creatures, with brains built for connecting to others. Would you like to thrive rather than just survive? To stop avoiding new situations or taking chances because if anything unpredictable happens, you believe you will have to fix it all by yourself? 

Perhaps investigating your language of gratitude might shift your mindset.

Best wishes

Stephanie Radford MBACP

Owner/Psychotherapeutic Counsellor

Northern Aurora Counselling